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weird how ive seen the bridge scene in my head before.
and how ive thought about getting admitted into one of those
institutions, just to see if im really nuts.
but it doesnt work that way.
you see, i always do a lot of research on the topic.
ive been feeling this way since i was thirteen.
it didnt hit me entirely until i was bout to be fifteen.
and then thats when the “cutting” began.
and ive asked myself whats so depressing about life?
why is it that i feel this way. how do i stop feeling this way.
do i want to stop feeling this way? and so on. then i say,
well i feel like i know im alive, im breathing and all, but im not living
im just a walking thing. and my life is a routine. and i cannot change that for now. but then ive been saying that for the past 9 years.
i always feel like i dont belong here, that i dont belong to anything. that my stay in this world will be brief. but im not sure when it will end. i havent tried anything, i just think about it everyday. its been more constant, i dont know why. i want answers. but im the one with the answers deep within myself.
i read this somewhere today, n it reminded me of something my dad told me the other day, similar thing except he said it in Spanish.
500 miles underground and thats okay
there are times when I sit around and wonder what is next. today I had the weirdest experience. I had never seen things this way and it was upsetting. when I was finishing my final in class I came across something I wrote for my psychology class a few months ago. I read through it and thought nothing more of it. tonight as I sat here watching a movie, I stepped out of myself somehow, I saw myself watching the movie as time flew by. it didn’t move forward it was moving backwards. and if I close my eyes as I write this I still see it moving backwards. maybe because that’s how I live at times. but the thing that made me the most saddest was seeing her. and hearing her once again even if it was all in my head.
write your feelings
i dont feeeeel very good…
i had some weird thoughts early this morning, n i didnt think they would be back but there they were. have you ever felt like you have been punched in the stomach n are out of breath. idk i feel that way. but those thoughts were weird, i dont wanna. but if i had guts i would. maybe. im a coward
havent been here in a while! well things have been going okay, its been hard keeping up with the clean eating!!!!! but i am trying. the workouts are great tho, i can do that, i try to eat clean but its mighty hard! i still have my fitness goals going on! …well its marios birthday of saturday! and im not sure what to get him =[ but i will create something awesome or i will try and hope he likes it …
Well i think ive made great progress ever since i did the reset on insanity, im not sure if im doing it correctly by jumping ahead because everytime i finish doing one video i feel like i didnt do enough and go on with the next days video so i have jumped ahead three days. I did the fit test today again, and i did much better! i have not stepped on the scale because i feel like my weight is not that important right now but just the way i feel. for example my stomach feels so much smaller. When i woke up today i felt great that i am doing things i love! JOurney to fitness and painting have become my favorite things to do! two loves. I did fit test earlier and drank an oatmeal shake, after this i will do cardio circuit and a bit more abs. i love the burn and sweat, i feel very relieved and satisfied after every workout session and it motivates me to continue on doing them the next day. i can see why some people enjoy sweating and staying fit! to become a better you!
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