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there are times when I sit around and wonder what is next. today I had the weirdest experience. I had never seen things this way and it was upsetting. when I was finishing my final in class I came across something I wrote for my psychology class a few months ago. I read through it and thought nothing more of it. tonight as I sat here watching a movie, I stepped out of myself somehow, I saw myself watching the movie as time flew by. it didn’t move forward it was moving backwards. and if I close my eyes as I write this I still see it moving backwards. maybe because that’s how I live at times. but the thing that made me the most saddest was seeing her. and hearing her once again even if it was all in my head.
write your feelings
i dont feeeeel very good…
i had some weird thoughts early this morning, n i didnt think they would be back but there they were. have you ever felt like you have been punched in the stomach n are out of breath. idk i feel that way. but those thoughts were weird, i dont wanna. but if i had guts i would. maybe. im a coward
havent been here in a while! well things have been going okay, its been hard keeping up with the clean eating!!!!! but i am trying. the workouts are great tho, i can do that, i try to eat clean but its mighty hard! i still have my fitness goals going on! …well its marios birthday of saturday! and im not sure what to get him =[ but i will create something awesome or i will try and hope he likes it …
Well i think ive made great progress ever since i did the reset on insanity, im not sure if im doing it correctly by jumping ahead because everytime i finish doing one video i feel like i didnt do enough and go on with the next days video so i have jumped ahead three days. I did the fit test today again, and i did much better! i have not stepped on the scale because i feel like my weight is not that important right now but just the way i feel. for example my stomach feels so much smaller. When i woke up today i felt great that i am doing things i love! JOurney to fitness and painting have become my favorite things to do! two loves. I did fit test earlier and drank an oatmeal shake, after this i will do cardio circuit and a bit more abs. i love the burn and sweat, i feel very relieved and satisfied after every workout session and it motivates me to continue on doing them the next day. i can see why some people enjoy sweating and staying fit! to become a better you!
Well, today i started my round 2 of insanity, i kinda did it different as in i did the fit test and plyometric cardio. so i did two days work out in one, because i felt that the fit test wasnt enough work out. plyo killed me tho. you would think the videos get easier with time but no! it seems like they get harder and so you push harder. so i was thinking of once reaching my goal of fitness which means abs and toned arms, well i want to cover up all the scars i have in my arms from the years of cutting. its a new body i want so a new beginning, im gonna try scar creams to reduce the visibility of them and maybe get a few tattoos to cover up what wont go away…
It’s been six weeks since i started insanity, I’m glad to say i’ve committed myself to it. Today im moving up one step and will do the 30 day Squat challenge and Doing Max interval plyo with abs. I will most likely die today XD lol but its well worth it.
I wrote that letter with her in mind, then the rest I don’t know what happened. Im responsible for everything. And heres a time where I want to run from situations and not face them, but no, I will face the consequences of my actions because I always run from them and I always run from things. No I gotta put a stop. I gotta do it. Its for my own good. If it were any other day besides crying a bunch I would probably go cut, but I just realized how stupid that would be. I have to stop hurting others and I have to stop hurting my self outside and inside.
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